Eddie the Eagle

Eddie the Eagle was neither an Eagle, nor an Eddie*   Eddie the Eagle once owned a car, but the car disliked Eddie.   When Eddie the Eagle first attempted to ski, he placed two slithers of twice expired Bavarian cheese under his armpits and flung himself from the nearest mountain edge. Eddie was doing …

The Future is blight…

In the far flung future, which by all accounts is considerably further than the near future, but only slightly so from the distant future, all umbrellas are outlawed. This is intended to serve as a reminder of the parasol uprising of 3872, which saw 32,000 people lose their lives, after simultaneously opening their umbrellas indoors. …

The Legend of Mrs. Abernathy.

The mislabelled Yorkshire village of Dalsop is widely regarded, by most amateur meteorologists, as having the largest amount of rainfall in all of northern England. It has been suggested, though not immediately verified, that at one time in the late 19th century, a record of fifty-seven inches of rainfall was measured in a 24 hour …

The Fraudulent Fancies of Bertwhin Bottonworth.

“I have suspicions”, suggested Bertwhin, as he wafted something that vaguely resembled a fifty pound note in the direction of the bank teller, “that this ‘ere bank note I hold ‘tween my two fingers is not, in fact, a bank note at all.” Bertwhin tapped his foot impatiently, as though he was stalling for a …

A Fatuous Utterance

"Presumably, for a story to make any sense it would be advisable to start from the beginning - and yet despite this irrefutable fact, a story is much easier to digest after it has concluded. Thus, in order to mitigate any potential meandering within the narrative, whilst simultaneously avoiding mollycoddling the reader too significantly, it …

Magic (has)beens.

“As you can see, I have nothing up my sleeve,” said the Magician to the shopkeeper, as a cast of peregrine falcons escaped from one of his upper jacket pockets.

The Plundering Poo.

I wandered lonely as a clown, a clown without a clue, Like an Abe without a Whale, or an addict sniffing glue, Falling through an open grate, the sewer I did went, Broke my leg aft’ the fall, my arm in the decent,   For days I struggled through the pipes, searching far and wide, …

A Ghost Poem

A Ghost favours Toast the Most.

Some Poor Man’s Poetic Delusion

T’was a tale as old as a sandwich, Or an outdated, rarely used language, Like expired French cheese, or some very tall trees, Or a chair leg held up with a bandage, T’was a tale of betrayal and love, And a hat, disguised as a glove, A pair of odd feet, with toes that would …

Another Christmas Tale

T’was the night before Christmas, of that I am sure, Little Billy was peering, through a crack in his door, He saw stockings – his mother’s – that lay on the ground, Sweaty, and putrid, crumpled up in a mound,   The door was unlocked, and so on Billy went, Downstairs, he heard laughing, with …